Ryan
was heading straight home from school, and on his way he had noticed a small treasure box.
It had a paper halfway out. He pulled it out, it had written: "Go to your home there is a surprise coming
your way." Ryan had a lot of questions. So he ran straight home, at his doorstep
there was another paper, it had written: "Open
this box with your home key." So then he put his key in, turned it and, then
the lock clicked and, out came lovely voices singing "Happy Birthday!" His
mom, dad, and sister, surprised him and joyfully exclaimed, “Happy birthday!” He
happily replied “Thank you!”
you should put an and in he first sentence after the word school
ReplyDeleteWhen you're sentence wrote" at his doorstep there was a paper, it had written. Instead you should've written'' at his doorstep there was a paper on it written. Thats just my input, it is a great story though.
ReplyDeleteI think the first sentence would make more sense if you added an 'and' after the word school and when you wrote 'out came popping happy birthday' I think it would sound better if u wrote 'and there were voices singing happy birthday' but other then it was a very good story
ReplyDeletei thik you should change "Ryan had a lot of questions. So he ran straight home" to "Ryan had a lot of questions, but he ran straight home anyway."
ReplyDeleteThank for commenting and making my story better.
ReplyDelete